“Do any of you have a completely unremarkable friend or maybe a houseplant I could go to dinner with on Saturday night?” ~ Miranda Hobbes

A quick pause on the Italian Love Affair story for a check in on my current dating life aka tumbleweed central. As I’ve shared, I’m currently online dating and of course there are many special characters that flood my inbox, for example:

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Interesting….maybe those spelling/grammar errors were just autocorrect mistakes

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Nope, nope, I think those are just you kid. You’re going to cuite? What?!

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So that’s your opening line huh….fascinating. Are the other two siblings morons like you?

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Not even close.

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You ‘have your shit together’….I beg to differ.

Call me crazy but I would like to think that somewhere in this online universe I can find some form of normalcy. But I guess if I cant find it in real life why would I expect those people to go home and became normal once they get online and can hide behind their desktops? I’d just like to get to a good second date, I don’t think I’m asking for much.

Speaking of multiple dates….there was one guy that made it past date #2. But not because he blew me away with his charm and dashing looks, I think boredom overcame me and I convinced myself that I could find a way to like this person who made me cringe, literally, the first time we played tonsil hockey. Obviously physical repulsion is not a good sign, and if nothing else I have learned to trust my natural reflexes. We actually ended up having four dates, the second date ended in me sweating profusely and on the verge of breaking out in hives when he would not stop groping me. He could not sit within 2 feet of me without practically molesting me. Have you not seen tits and ass before dude? Chill THE FUCK out!

But, I, like an idiot went on date three hoping it’d get better if I told him to relax on the whole asking me if we’re going to be together and proclaiming that I was his soulmate thing. I told him I was feeling a bit pressured and smothered and just wanted to take things slow, he listened, apologized for giving me the wrong impression and promised to do better. Annnnnnd then came date four. He was alllllll over me within the first 15minutes, professing his feelings, proclaiming that I was the future mother of his child, seriously. In a way, I felt like it was my responsibility that he liked me so much so I had to protect his feelings. I know, i know – but I really did. I felt guilty for not liking this guy, who on paper would be a great catch! In reality – I just wanted to runaway and change my identity so he’d never find me again. By the end of date four I was cringing and bracing for impact every time he reached out to touch, kiss, or hug me which was basically once every 22.5 seconds. I ended up lying and saying I had somewhere to be to get away and made a promise to myself to never see him again. A few days later he asked to hang out and I told him this just wasn’t working for me. He wanted to meet to talk it out and after a lot of back and forth I finally got him to understand that I had absolutely no desire to talk anything out and my mind was made up. He said ok, and thanked me for the opportunity to date me :-/. I thought I was free…but nope, not so fast honey. Five days later who do I have a message from on my dating profile? Yep, Mr. You are my soulmate.

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I know…you feel bad for the poor smuck don’t ya? He sounds so genuine and like a “good guy” After reading that, so did I, and I ALMOST considered giving him another chance because I felt like it was my fault he liked me and I didn’t like him. I had to give myself a “smack in the face” and say no! You don’t like this man, he’s pushy, doesn’t listen when you say no, an asshole to service people (i HATE that), and makes you physically cringe from his touch. DO NOT RESPOND.

And so, I didn’t. The people pleaser in me still feels a bit guilty, but she’ll live. In the meantime, does anyone have someone they can set me up with that’s normal?!? I’m not asking for marriage, just a good second date with someone that wont rape my face when they go to kiss me. Baby steps.

#NoSexintheCity

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3 thoughts on ““Do any of you have a completely unremarkable friend or maybe a houseplant I could go to dinner with on Saturday night?” ~ Miranda Hobbes

  1. Ya, generally we’re(men)pretty good at finding hidden code, unnoticeable details etc, but when it comes to women, we totally miss the obvious signs and exaggerate the ones we want to see.

  2. After reading this I have a headache LOL I too now feel guilty… not for him, but like I have some type of responsibility to find you a decent date because mankind is failing out here soooooo bad!! Has it really came to this??!!

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